


all the memories i hold dear

by Ablissa



Series: read between the lines [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anniversary, Epistolary, Fluff, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Marriage Proposal, Memories, Romance, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 08:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16425623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ablissa/pseuds/Ablissa
Summary: "It's not really our anniversary, though," Dan reasons against his own will."It'soneof our anniversaries," Phil argues.Dan snorts. "Yeah, one of like, ten.""Four," Phil corrects him, fondness seeping from his voice.--Nine years after meeting Phil for the first time, Dan thinks it's alright that they'll be spending October 19th apart.But is it really?(companion piece toread between the lines (i will if you will).





	all the memories i hold dear

**Author's Note:**

> **_Italics_** indicate something happening outside of the conversation.  
>   
>  ** ~~Strikethrough~~** indicates things that were written, but never sent, only deleted and rewritten as something else.
> 
> This is a part of the **Phandom Fic Fests BINGO** and fills the prompts: _epistolary, player's choice - anniversary, first time_

Dan wakes up to the sound of Phil getting out of bed.

He hears the rustle of their grey sheets, hears Phil grunt softly as he sits up, and then again when he stretches. He knows these sounds. They're familiar. They're parts of what makes any bed in the universe their home.

Dan is barely awake, but his heart still grows with fondness.

He opens his eyes and blinks a few times, allowing the world to slowly shift into focus. Phil is sat up in bed, shirtless, his hair a complete, gorgeous mess. He hasn't put on his glasses yet, and he is merely staring into space for a few seconds, before realising that Dan had just woken up too. Phil turns to look at him, a tired smile blooming across his face.

"Morning," Phil says in that sleepy, deep voice of his.

Dan reaches out in Phil's direction, blindly grasping at his naked skin before grabbing his arm. He takes Phil by surprise and pulls him back down onto the bed.

Phil huffs and laughs, then adjusts himself so that he lays on his side, facing Dan.

"Stay," Dan whispers, skipping _good morning_. His fingers find their way towards Phil's cheek, his thumb tracing an absent path.

"Come with me," Phil replies easily. He drapes his arm across Dan's waist, lazily pulling him closer.

Dan sighs. "You know I can't. One of us _has_ to go to that merch meeting."

"I could stay, you know," Phil offers after a moment of silence. "I don't really wanna go."

"You _should_ go. You haven't seen your parents since like what, May? Since the show."

Dan's hand falls onto the limited space between them, close to Phil's chest.

"Yeah, but…" Phil trails off, breaking eye contact.

"But?" Dan prompts immediately.

"But I mean… _today_?" Phil looks back up at Dan, searching his eyes for clues.

Dan doesn't have to ask again. Sleepy or not, he certainly remembers what day it is.

October 19th.

Suddenly, Dan really doesn't want him to go, but it's nonsensical. Stupid. Phil needs to see his parents, he sees Dan every single day.

Dan _does_ hate it when he's gone, though. The space, the silence – it's nice for a few hours, and then it slowly grows scary. Giving Dan too much space to think is not always a great idea, but Dan is not about to make Phil feel guilty for seeing the rest of his family.

"We don't really celebrate that, right? We don't have to. What would we be doing, like a bottle of wine? We can do that when you get back."

Phil smiles lightly. "We celebrate! A little."

"It's not really our anniversary, though," Dan reasons against his own will.

"It's _one_ of our anniversaries," Phil argues.

Dan snorts. "Yeah, one of like, ten."

"Four," Phil corrects him, fondness seeping from his voice. He drops his arm down to the bed too, and entwines their fingers. "You're sure you don't mind, then?"

"As long as you get up and make me coffee. I deserve something for having to be awake at this ungodly hour."

"I didn't mean to wake you," Phil says apologetically.

"I know, you dingus."

It's funny really, that nine long years in seeing Phil smile still manages to affect Dan. It stirs something in his chest and pushes away some of the thoughts that always linger inside his head.

"Kiss me," Dan demands on impulse.

"You haven't brushed your teeth," Phil protests without much conviction.

"Neither have you."

The sound of Phil's soft giggle fills Dan's ear as they both lean in, meeting right in the middle.

 

Dan is already starting to miss him, and Phil hasn't even left yet.

 

-

 

**Phil, 1:38 PM**

Just landed! I was sat next to this older guy on the plane and he smelled like garlic

 

_Dan has to hold back a grin. He's in the cab, on the way to a rather dull meeting that will involve merch ideas and sales projections. He'd much rather be on Isle of Man with Phil._

 

**Dan, 1:39 PM**

sounds v attractive

should i be jealous

 

**Phil, 1:39 PM**

I think it's too late for that Dan

I'm marrying him next week

 

**Dan, 1:39 PM**

u mean ill finally have the place to myself??

 

**Phil, 1:40 PM**

Don't be daft

Me and my husband Harold will just move in with you

 

**Dan, 1:40 PM**

is he actually called harold

 

**Phil, 1:40 PM**

Yes

 

**Dan, 1:40 PM**

what

so you actually talked to him?

 

**Phil, 1:41 PM**

I mean I'm marrying him next week

Of course we've talked

 

**Dan, 1:41 PM**

~~what did you talk about even~~

 

**Phil, 1:41 PM**

I'm kidding

quoting a certain dani snot on fire: 'you dingbat'

 

**Dan, 1:42 PM**

look at you picking up my words

i feel like the parent of a cheeky toddler

 

**Phil, 1:42 PM**

It's you that gets mistaken for my child though

I'll never get over that

 

**Dan, 1:42 PM**

be glad u got yourself a youthful nerd to spend your life with then grandpa

 

**Phil, 1:43 PM**

:(

 

_Dan frowns at the phone, mentally scolding himself. Phil jokes, sure, but it did bug him more than it should have._

 

**Dan, 1:43 PM**

babe

~~you're the hottest grandpa in town i promi~~

we've talked about this

we both look like

the same age

that guy was probably related to a mole rat and couldn't see what i look like

also

you're seriously the best looking person i've ever seen

 

**Phil, 1:47 PM**

Dan it's ok

I'm not but I don't need to be

As long as you don't mind having to explain i'm not actually your father

 

**Dan, 1:48 PM**

i know it upset you

but

you'll never see that guy again

and if somebody else does it

we'll just like, spill our drinks in their face

 

**Dan, 1:49 PM**

seriously phil

you're hot

take a cute selfie post it to twitter and see what happens

if u don't believe me

 

_Dan's phone buzzes about two minutes later. When he checks it, he finds that Phil has sent him a selfie. He is pulling a face, trying to appear cross, but the smile in his eyes shows even through a picture._

**Dan, 1:52 PM**

literally the hottest being on the planet

teach me your ways

~~grandp~~

senpai

 

**Phil, 1:53 PM**

I appreciate that

and i appreciate you

 

**Dan, 1:53 PM**

you know what

it's the 19th 

there you go: <3

 

**Phil, 1:54 PM**

<3

I really should've stayed

 

**Dan, 1:54 PM**

phil it's literally just one day

we can make a big deal out of it next year when it's our 10th anniversary

 

**Phil, 1:55 PM**

I prefer when we make a big deal of it every year though

 

**Dan, 1:55 PM**

but we're always celebrating something

i mean your birthday alone takes a month

 

**Phil, 1:56 PM**

Ugh don't talk about my birthday

 

**Dan, 1:56 PM**

phiiiiiiiiil

do u know what hasn't changed since 9 years ago?

 

**Phil, 1:57 PM**

I still wear a lot of plaid? :P

 

**Dan, 1:57 PM**

i mean yes u do but it's a look okay

but

i was gonna say

~~i still wish y~~

9 years ago at this hour i was already with you

but say 9 years and 8 hours ago

i seriously wanted to be with you so much

and now i still want to be with you

so much.

there you go. nothing's changed now

 

**Phil, 1:59 PM**

Wow Dan what's gotten into you

But

I miss you too <3

 

**Dan, 2:00 PM**

you better

and say hi to your parents

i'm at the office now

 

**Phil, 2:00 PM**

Remember the corgi hats

 

**Dan, 2:00 PM**

yes phil

i remember the corgi hats

we only talked about them like 458309487523 times before

i'll text you when i'm out of here

 

**Phil, 2:00 PM**

k <3

 

**Dan, 2:01 PM**

xx

 

-

**Dan, 2:47 PM**

this meeting is well boringgg

 

**Phil, 2:47 PM**

Wow Dan

Stop texting me when you're in a meeting

 

**Dan, 2:47 PM**

why

we always do it

 

_Dan thinks back to all the social situations in which they chose to text each other, knowing it would be inappropriate to talk. Their own little world, honestly. Their own little world._

**Phil, 2:48 PM**

Welll.... yes

But then you focus on texting and I focus on businessing

Now you need to do both :P

 

**Dan, 2:48 PM**

it's a thing called multitasking phil

u should try it sometime

 

**Phil, 2:49 PM**

pshhh I am the best multitasker

 

**Dan, 2:49 PM**

if you move to antarctica and live with the penguins then you might be

 

**Phil, 2:49 PM**

I'll take Harold with me

 

**Dan, 2:54 PM**

fuck you and fuck harold. also. love you. and hate you for making me sit in this meeting

soo

they're saying we need to release it all soon if we want to make sure people get it in time for christmas

they like our ideas

and they're talking about sales projections but it's boring af

 

**Phil, 2:54 PM**

Wow Dan

So informative

Corgi hat??

 

**Dan, 2:57 PM**

corgi hat.

<3

marianne caught me texting lmao

 

**Phil, 2:57 PM**

Tell her it's just me and say hi

I'm mowing the lawn

 

**Dan, 2:57 PM**

she already figured i was texting you

 

**Phil, 2:58 PM**

I'm not surprised

 

**Dan, 2:59 PM**

no me neither

 

-

 

_The flat feels so empty without Phil, and it's weird, but it's nice. For about an hour._

_During that hour, Dan orders an extra cheesy pizza, starts up Guild Wars 2, and fights the urge to text Phil. Phil is meant to be hanging out with his family, Dan should just leave him for a bit. They can have a Skype call later tonight._

_But it's weird. And it's quiet. And nine years ago, they were very much together, for the very first time. And they have a bottle of rosé in the fridge, and Phil doesn't mind cheese on pizza, he could be eating this one too._

_Defeated by his own thoughts, Dan types out a message._

**Dan, 4:53 PM**

so i lasted about two hours without texting you

im doing good

 

**Phil, 4:53 PM**

Don't be daft

You can text me

I'm just sat here with mum and dad watching a bake off rerun

 

**Dan, 4:53 PM**

yes but you can talk to me any single day of your life

not so much your parents

 

**Phil, 4:53 PM**

But today is special though

 

**Dan, 4:53 PM**

~~is it really~~

~~i told you it's~~

 

_Ah, whatever. No need to play it cool._

**Dan, 4:54 PM**

it is isn't it

ive been thinking about it

i was so nervous then

 

**Phil, 4:55 PM**

Me too

To both of those

 

**Dan, 4:57 PM**

i shouldve gone with you

 

**Phil, 4:58 PM**

Yeah :(

 

**Dan, 4:58 PM**

but i mean this isnt like our main anniversary

we talked about this earlier

still feels wrong for some reason tho

 

**Phil, 4:59 PM**

I like all our anniversaries

This one is special for everyone else though

I like the ones that are just for us

 

**Dan, 5:00 PM**

geez phil

mushy

but yeah

we should do something nice in december

make a thing of it

 

**Phil, 5:00 PM**

What did we do for the first one this yr?

 

**Dan, 5:00 PM**

first one?

 

**Phil, 5:00 PM**

Our first conversation

Duh

Or no, that's the second one, but still

 

**Dan, 5:01 PM**

probably nothing

we were still on tour

maybe we had sex instead of nodding off at 8 pm

 

**Phil, 5:01 PM**

Dan!

Don't talk about sex when I'm sat with my parents

I'm already having to be sneaky texting you

I lied to my mum that it's work emails :(

You corrupted me

Also you make us sound like an old married couple

 

**Dan, 5:02 PM**

well i mean am i wrong

 

**Phil, 5:03 PM**

On the married part yeah

 

**Dan, 5:04 PM**

not long now

hopefully

it's about time

 

**Phil, 5:06 PM**

I can't wait

Mum wants me to help her with tea, brb x

 

-

 

Dan has an easy time imagining Phil right now, sat with his parents at their beautifully cozy home, holding back a smile as he texts him instead of watching the telly. Kath must've caught on that these were not work emails, because she normally doesn't let Phil lift a finger when he comes home. It's Nigel that has Phil doing chores for them sometimes.

Dan sighs, thinking of their many anniversaries. They're both good with dates, and while on most days Dan will call Phil a sap and pretend he isn't one himself, they both know just how much they both are _complete_ saps.

Their first conversation... Shit. So long ago.

And yet, Dan still remembers.

-

**2009.**

Dan takes another look at his Twitter profile, making sure it looks as cool as it possibly can, with the right amount of funny, witty, and interesting tweets.

He has been getting replies from AmazingPhil pretty consistently by now, so there was a chance the guy might actually visit his profile. Dan doesn't want to risk it being uncool, in case it should ever happen.

He then goes on YouTube, and then he goes on Facebook, and then on MySpace. It's a nice little loop of websites if you want to avoid your responsibilities, such as finding a job or actually studying.

AmazingPhil often uploads around this hour, though. It's a good idea to wait a bit longer. He can study later. Or tomorrow.

 

He loses track of time, only refreshing Phil’s YouTube channel every now and then. The next time he tabs back into Twitter, there is a DM waiting for him. Probably one of his mates, he thinks as he clicks it open.

What. The. Fuck.

What.

What the f—

What the FUCK?

 

-

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:34 PM)**

Hey! :]

Hope this isn't like weird or something haha umm I just saw you like a lot of the same stuff so I thought I'd hit you up for an actual chat xD

 

_What the what the what the what_

**danisnotonfire (7:38 PM)**

~~oh my god~~

~~no it's not weird  at all wow hi!!~~

~~Hey there :] Not weird at~~

~~Hey mate!~~

~~O_O~~

~~omg~~

~~hey phil!!~~

 

_Jesus fuck, just fucking say something before he thinks you're an idiot._

 

 

**danisnotonfire (7:39 PM)**

hey! :]] no it's not weird at all of course not! i think we do like a lot of the same things actually =]

 

_That was cool, right? Or at least not completely uncool. Mildly cool._

_Fuck._

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:39 PM)**

That's pretty ace because I have a hard time finding people with similar interests to be honest xD

 

**danisnotonfire (7:40 PM)**

~~really? but i mean you're like s~~

lol me too! the people in my town are like well boring =[

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:40 PM)**

I don't even know if the people are boring here or I am Xd

Where are you from btw? If it's ok to ask :]

 

**danisnotonfire (7:40 PM)**

wokingham :]

i mean i would ask you the same thing but i already know lmao xD

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:41 PM)**

Hahaha oh yeah

 

_Was that awkward? That was so awkward. Oh no. What is even happening._

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:42 PM)**

So you like Muse? ^_^

 

**Danisnotonfire (7:43 PM)**

omg yes they're the absolute besttttttttttttt <3

i am listening to them right now

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:43 PM)**

Which song? =o

 

**danisnotonfire (7:43 PM)**

knights of cydonia

~~what are you listeni~~

what's your favourite of theirs? x]

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:44 PM)**

Basically everything on Origin of Symmetry!

But I love all their songs :]

Supermassive Black Hole, New Born, Butterflies And Hurricanes, Time Is Running Out

etc etc haha I could go on

 

**danisnotonfire (7:45 PM)**

wow its like i wrote this myself lol :] i love all of those

thats actually how i got into muse. time is running out

i used to always watch mtv when i was younger and it was on like.. all. the. time xD

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:45 PM)**

Me too! It was like the coolest clip

 

**danisnotonfire (7:45 PM)**

~~not as cool as your videos to be h~~

supercool :]

have you ever seen them live?

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:46 PM)**

No I haven't =/ and you?

 

**danisnotonfire (7:46 PM)**

me neither but i like REALLYYYYY want to go xD

that's probably like one of my top dreams atm

has been for years

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:46 PM)**

You really *should* go in that case :p

It's the same for me though

 

**danisnotonfire (7:47 PM)**

i will one day

gonna sell ~~body~~ my soul and go xD

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:47 PM)**

Hahaha are you implying your soul is only worth a single ticket to see Muse live? xD

 

**danisnotonfire (7:47 PM)**

i mean i'd have to pay extra i think xD

so like my soul AND some money for the ticket XD

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:47 PM)**

I might buy it then

Having two souls would be interesting =p

 

**danisnotonfire (7:47 PM)**

what do you need two for? =o

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:48 PM)**

I'm not sure if I should tell you.... xD

 

**danisnotonfire (7:48 PM)**

~~tell meeeeeeeeeeeee~~

~~hmmmmm i don't know i think you have to~~

it's my soul we're talking about

i need to be sure it's going to be in good hands

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:48 PM)**

I never said it would be >:) mwahaha

 

**danisnotonfire (7:48 PM)**

O_O

ok fine

you can have my soul

for a ticket to see muse... worth it.

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:49 PM)**

It's a deal!

This conversation got so random all of a sudden lol xD

 

**danisnotonfire (7:49 PM)**

that's probably my fault

i always say the weirdest ~~shit~~ things xD

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(7:49 PM)**

That makes two of us =p

So what other bands do you like

Mr Weird Man

 

_They keep on talking for about two more hours. Dan was meant to leave and study after twenty minutes, but he keeps postponing it until AmazingPhil says that he has to go._

_Or maybe just Phil?_

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(9:11 PM)**

Um I don't want to be weird but it was fun talking to you ^_^

 

**danisnotonfire (9:12 PM)**

~~thank you for messaging me~~

~~i loved talking to~~

yeah i had a good time =]

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(9:12 PM)**

Chat again soon?

 

**danisnotonfire (9:14 PM)**

~~YES~~

~~yes please~~

~~im around all day tomorrow~~

~~i will be around tomorr~~

~~whenever you wa~~

that'd be great! :]

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(9:14 PM)**

K, awesome xD Have a good night Dan! :]

 

**danisnotonfire (9:14 PM)**

good night Phil =]

~~< 3~~

 

 _Oh, what the hell_.

 

**danisnotonfire (9:15 PM)**

<3

 

 **AmazingPhil** **(9:15 PM)**

:]] <3

 

 

_Quickly, Dan copies their entire conversation and pastes it into Word._

_He doesn't know yet that he will re-read it many times in the future._

 

-

**2018.**

 

**Dan, 5:27 PM**

im having flashbacks to the first time you dm'd me on twitter

 

**Phil, 5:29 PM**

You actually remember?

 

**Dan, 5:29 PM**

dont think i could forget it

i was losing my shit the whole time

 

**Phil, 5:29 PM**

Me too kind of :P

 

**Dan, 5:29 PM**

no you werent

you dont understand the level of distress you put me through phil

i should sue you

 

**Phil, 5:31 PM**

Then I should be suing you for the stress you put me through when you made me think you wouldn't come visit on the 19th

 

**Dan, 5:31 PM**

oh god

dont remind me

i was so scared

of you like hating me and thinking im ugly or something

 

**Phil, 5:32 PM**

I was too

 

**Dan, 5:32 PM**

is this what we celebrate twice a year then

two occasions in which we were both terrified out of our minds

 

**Phil, 5:33 PM**

But we weren't terrified the whole time!

Besides

Yes it is

I'm always grateful to my lucky stars for helping me find you

 

**Dan, 5:35 PM**

~~it doesnt work like that~~

~~but youre implying destiny exists~~

thank your lucky stars for me too

 

-

 

Dan remembers October 19th, 2009, quite vividly too.

Of course, in his entire history with Phil, a lot of moments were almost lifechanging, and Dan likes to think of this type of thing. It's kind of like The Butterfly Effect. Change one little thing, and everything else is so different.

What if he never made a Twitter account? What if Phil never got that webcam? What if Phil got bored of making videos?

What if Phil never messaged him first? What if they never clicked?

What if Dan chickened out and never got on that train? Yeah, this one feels groundbreaking, but it's not any more groundbreaking than any of the other ones. They're two pieces of a very large puzzle, he and Phil, and removing just one of the other pieces would result in something so different.

Dan may be cynical on the best of days, but he appreciates this. Finding Phil.

Meeting him on that Monday in 2009.

 

Phil looked even better than in videos, he moved in slightly unpredictable ways, clawed at Dan for fun, and even pretended to bite him. Phil was nervous, Dan knows now, but back then, he just seemed so fun. So quirky.

He is, isn't he? Phil is fun. Phil is quirky.

Phil is _his_ , still. Nine fucking years later. It’s still hard for Dan to believe it sometimes.

 

October 19th was a day of firsts. Their first meeting, their first hug, their first kiss. Years later, Dan still can't understand how he had actually managed to muster up the nerves to initiate it. Their first _I love you_ in person, which Dan treasures to this day.

Their first night together, when they stayed up talking until like four in the morning, and fell asleep cuddling. They took loads of dumb pictures, and the next day, they filmed a video that they didn’t know would become a tradition that would last for so many years. Oh, how it all ties together.

Despite all that, the 19th isn't their actual anniversary. That's in December. That week they spent together.

A smile creeps up on Dan's face as he remembers that week in December, and the very moment when things went from _pretty_ certain but still unnamed to very certain.

 

-

**2009.**

"I love you, Dan."

Dan's lips stretch into a smile so wide it makes his cheeks hurt.

Sometimes he still can't believe his own luck, and today is one of those days. The fourth day of his week with Phil.

It's pretty much perfect, all this. They're in Phil's bed, in his messy room. Phil is laid on his back while Dan is snuggled up to him, running his fingers through the bits of hair on Phil's chest.

They've done nothing but have sex, eat, and watch films all day. It's the perfect bubble of perfect perfection, and Dan just doesn't want to go home. That's it, the only cloud on the horizon – having to end this and go back home. But not today. Thankfully, not today.

Today, he gets to do nothing but this. He gets to be with Phil and listen to him say all sorts of sweet things. He gets to be just as sweet in return, knowing now that Phil likes it too.

"I love you, Dan."

"I love you most," he says, planting a kiss near Phil's collar bone.

"I love you mostest."

Fuck, his cheeks are really hurting now. They always do this, this—this silly thing, and Dan is meant to think it's entirely too daft, but he doesn't. No, he loves it. He wants to do it more.

"I love you mosterestest. Whatever that's supposed to mean. Also, I win, because—" Phil is about to intercept him, so he starts shouting, "Full stop, full stop! I win!"

"Dan!" Phil squeals, yeah, _squeals_. There is no better word for it. Phil's fist hits Dan's back lightly, and Dan giggles into his chest, moving up so that he can look at Phil's face.

 "You never win, Phil. Just give up already."

"I _would_ win, if you weren't always cheating." Dan can tell that Phil is smiling just through hearing his voice.

"Oh yeah?" Dan asks coyly. "How am I cheating, then?"

Phil tilts his head downwards and kisses Dan softly, still smiling into the kiss.

"By being..." he trails off, kissing Dan again. "...so perfect."

Phil likes to tell Dan things like that. Dan honestly doesn't believe them – he's as far from perfect as one can possibly be – but he is starting to believe that _Phil_ might really think so.

" _You're_ cheating, then, not me. You're cheating by being a liar."

"No, you."

"You."

"You!"

Dan bursts into laughter. He wishes he could pause this moment and keep it forever; just stay in this bubble of joy, stay with Phil, away from responsibilities, away from the real world.

"We're kinda daft, aren't we?" Phil asks him, pulling him closer.

"Wellll, yeah, but no one has to know."

Phil sobers a little at that, the smile swiftly replaced with a thoughtful expression that tells Dan he is mulling over his words. It's an abrupt change from just twenty seconds ago, and it makes Dan immediately wonder whether he said something wrong. In all honesty, it's not impossible that he had said something off. Dan has a tendency to put his foot in his mouth when he is around Phil.

"I kinda want them to, though?" Phil blurts out so fast, Dan struggles to understand what he just said.

"What?"

Phil's cheek grow red as he bites his upper lip and looks away for a second.

"I... I mean—no, nevermind. I don't mean anything. Just ignore me, I'm—I'm the one being daft."

Dan musters up the courage to lift himself on one elbow. He then lays his right hand on Phil's cheek, tilting Phil's head until they make eye contact.

"Have I said something? I'm sorry Phil, I really didn't mean anything by it," he says nervously. He can't find anything wrong in what he said before Phil went all weird like this, but it's possible that something was.

"No! No, it's just..." Phil pauses again, sighing. "I want... I want you to be my boyfriend? Even if we don't tell anyone, I just want to know we're—you know. We're _together_."

Stars erupt somewhere inside Dan's chest, filling his whole body with a warm glow that emits from the very place his heartbeat comes from. He acts on instinct, the only way he knows how: he kisses Phil, and Phil doesn't reciprocate much at first, but he catches up eventually.

Dan wants to say _yes_ right away, but something else slips out. "What did you _think_ we were, you spork?"

Phil chuckles, clearly embarrassed, and rolls over so that he can hide his face in the pillow.

"I don't know! I just wanted to—to make sure?" Phil cries, and Dan has heard him enough times to recognize distress in his voice. Hearing that immediately makes him drop whatever shade of a cool act he has left. He places both his hands on Phil's shoulders and shakes him gently.

" _Phiiiil_. Look at me."

Reluctantly, Phil peeks at Dan.

"It's just—we said I love you and I thought we were already—but if you weren't, then um, that's—" Dan rambles, eyes on Phil, trying to figure out his reaction.

"We were!" Phil intercepts him. "I just want... I want us to be on the same page? I'm sorry, I'm being stupid."

"You're not. Tell me, please?"

Sighing heavily, Phil sits up, and a worried glance later, Dan does the same thing.

"I just want us to be together... I don't want anyone else, Dan. I just want to be yours. And I guess—I guess I want to put a name to it? And in a year, I want it to be our anniversary, and I want to know when it is, because this thing with you, it's been so... so gradual."

Dan can't even pretend that hearing Phil say _I just want to be yours_ has no effect on him. He beams at Phil, not knowing what to say.

"So will you?" Phil asks, eyes boring into Dan's.

Dan leans in, kissing Phil with every bit of love that flows through his body. It's new, all this, but it feels so _right_.

"Of course I will."

 

-

**2018.**

**Dan, 5:42 PM**

have you ever thought we'd last this long?

 

**Phil, 5:42 PM**

What do you mean?

 

**Dan, 5:42 PM**

us

 

**Phil, 5:43 PM**

um

Should I be scared?

 

**Dan, 5:45 PM**

no

~~i just feel lonely and it's our anniversary even if we don't really care and~~

i'm just thinking of the past

 

**Phil, 5:45 PM**

I knew I should've stayed :(

I'll try to change my flight to tomorrow?

 

**Dan, 5:46 PM**

i'm fine phil

honest

just a bit sappy today i guess

we'll make up for it in december

anddd with the wedding if it ever takes place

 

**Phil, 5:47 PM**

Of course it will

we agreed no more interruptions

Besides if we're going for that venue we can't cancel again

I think they already hate us

 

**Dan, 5:49 PM**

you're not worried?

 

**Phil, 5:49 PM**

Worried?

 

**Dan, 5:49 PM**

you know

about

~~them~~

people finding out

 

**Phil, 5:50 PM**

I didn't propose to you all those years ago for us to stay engaged forever Dan

 

**Dan, 5:52 PM**

ehh this isnt like a thing to discuss over texts

im sorry

i just

~~miss you~~

i had a huge pizza with extra cheese

but i don't even wanna finish it

you'd like it

idk what i paid for

it's like the cheese wasn't even there

 

**Phil, 5:52 PM**

I'd like to be there with you

Pizza is just a bonus

 

**Dan, 5:53 PM**

you actually prefer me over pizza?

never felt more loved than just now

or weeellll

~~maybe in japan~~

 

_Japan. Their latest anniversary._

 

-

**2015.**

"I can't feel my fuckin' legs," Dan exclaims as he flops down onto the bed, closing his eyes immediately.

It was one hell of a day of this one hell of a trip. They walked all around Tokyo, they bought a ton of useless crap that they – fine, mostly _Phil_ – couldn't resist, and they even saw the cherry blossoms. Phil really picked the perfect time for them to go on holiday to Japan.

Dan smiles, stretching his lips with a satisfied groan. He hears Phil turn off the tap, then rummage through their bags. The noise is soon followed by the sound of soft footsteps on the carpeted floor of their hotel room. Dan fully expects Phil to shove him so that he too can lie down, but strangely enough, the footsteps cease, and Phil is still not in bed.

"Come to bed, I wanna cuddle," he whines, keeping his eyes shut. "Or at least give me a massage. I haven't done this much walking in like _ten years_."

There is a pause, during which Dan starts to wonder what the hell Phil is up to, and then the bed beside him dips, springs creaking only a little.

But why is Phil still not saying anything?

"Keep your eyes closed," Phil whispers.

"Wha—" Dan starts, obviously opening his eyes, but then Phil covers them with his palm.

"Keep them closed."

"Okay...?"

Phil removes his hand. Dan obeys his request and tries not to peek. He hears Phil exhale sharply, and his mind begins to swim with ideas. Is something wrong? Did something happen? Phil was kind of... _off_ the whole day, now that Dan thinks of it. He seemed a little distracted, he didn't always listen when Dan was speaking, and he didn't want to try Dan's ice cream. Odd.

Suddenly, Dan feels his palm being forced open as Phil slides his hand into Dan's.

"I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I don't think I could sleep," Phil whispers, and before Dan gets to asks what he means, he feels Phil place something in the palm of his hand. "You can look now."

Dan squeezes the thing as he sits up and opens his eyes. When he does, it's only a confirmation of what he already thinks.

It's a box. The type that contains jewelry. The type that contains _rings_ , more specifically.

He gasps, looking at Phil with his eyes wide open. Phil nods, lips stretching into a smile that doesn't fully reach his eyes. No, his eyes betray him, and the nervousness is apparent.

It's like that day in December, so long ago.

"Phil—" Dan begins, but his voice falters.

"Open it?" Phil pleads, eyes flitting between Dan's face and the box.

Dan does open it, and of course, it's perfect.

It's silver and black, simple, yet elegant. And it's definitely not just a piece of jewelry.

It's an...

"Is this what I think it is?" Dan stammers.

"You're not surprised, right?" Phil asks, scooting over closer. He cups Dan's cheek, then slides his hand towards the back of Dan's neck. "We've talked about this."

"I _am_ surprised," Dan responds, looking away from Phil to continue staring at the ring, mesmerized. "Not that you did it, just—well, wasn't this _meant_ to be a surprise?"

"Well, maybe the place and all, but not the—oh. I haven't actually _asked_ the question."

Phil shoots him a sheepish look. His hand shivers slightly as he takes the box from Dan, presenting it to him properly.

"Dan... Will you marry me, Dan? Sometime. Not now. When we can. When we're ready."

Phil's voice is steady, much steadier than Dan would expect, considering the look on his face. Why is Phil scared? There can only be one answer. Obviously.

Tears are starting to form in his eyes. It's stupid. They're as good as married now, with their joint bank accounts and plans extending far into the future.

They won't be able to get married for a while. Possibly years. Who knows when. Who knows if ever.

And yet, the sound of this – to be a _fiance_ as opposed to a _boyfriend_ – that in itself is a step, a huge step, and Dan was always all about jumping in head first when it comes to Phil.

There can only be one answer.

"Of course I will, you dork."

Dan's seen Phil smile a hundred thousand times by now, but this time is different. It's uncertain, loving, relieved, scared, filled with promises of a future that is just as bright as they will want it to be.

 

The ring ends up on Dan's finger. It doesn't stay long, but he wears it sometimes, when he can.

Someday, they won't have to hide. Someday, they will both have matching rings.

 

-

**2018.**

**Phil, 7:49 PM**

I told mum it's one of our anniversaries

They're all making fun of me now

 

**Dan, 7:49 PM**

i mean

we are kinda stupid

with our four anniversaries

but u know what

 

**Phil, 7:49 PM**

?

 

**Dan, 7:51 PM**

i dont give a shit

and if you were here we'd celebrate

we'll celebrate when you're back

life is too short phil

too short to worry about things like that

too short to not celebrate when there is cause for it

after 9 years we earned it

 

**Phil, 7:51 PM**

You're finally starting to see the light! :P

No need to be cynical with me Dan

I know you

 

**Dan, 7:53 PM**

don't hold this against me when you get back and i yell at you for leaving your socks on the pillow tho

 

**Phil, 7:53 PM**

I'll think about it

 

_Dan sighs. Phil won't be back until Sunday morning._

_It already feels like too long. It's only been like ten hours._

_He can endure it, of course. It's not normal to not be able to stay apart for a few hours._

_But does he really want to? Good question, that._

 

_Maybe he doesn't._

 

**Dan, 7:54 PM**

i don't wanna spend our lame anniversary alone

 

**Phil, 7:54 PM**

You're a lame anniversary

Maybe call Bryony? See if she wants to hang out?

 

**Dan, 7:56 PM**

i actually came up with a better plan

 

_Dan sends Phil a screenshot._

_Horrendously overpriced. Very last minute. Leaves in two hours._

_ Today _ _._

_Phil is ringing him. Shit._

"Am I seeing things?"

Dan snorts. "No. I'm—where's my jacket? It's bloody cold up there, usually. I don't want to get ill if your parents decide it's time to go hiking in the mountains like they always do."

"You're coming _here_? Today?"

"Today, yeah."

"But the tickets are—"

"Come on, my shirts cost more than that." The sound of Phil's laughter echoes through the phone. "I—I've been thinking all day, and I just... I don't know. I figure... We have something special. Let's celebrate the fuck out of it."

Phil sighs, but he doesn't sound annoyed. Dan waits him out.

"And I was about to book an early flight home tomorrow. My dad already said it's alright."

Oh. Oh, okay. So they're _that_ type of couple. The type of couple that can't spend a day apart, despite having been together for nine years.

Dan is totally fine with that.

 

"Beat you to it, loser."

Phil laughs again. Dan feels wonderfully warm. His mind is drifting to a few hours from now, to barging in on the Lesters at an hour that would be far too late for someone that is not family, to giving Phil a quick kiss on the cheek, the most they allow themselves in company.

"Dan..."

"Mm?"

"Bring that rosé."

 

Dan hangs up with a smile. He’d better hurry now.

It will still be October 19th when he sees Phil again.

**Author's Note:**

> It was great to revisit this story! I hope you enjoyed this, please let me know if you did! ([Reblogs](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/179479788195/all-the-memories-i-hold-dear) are super appreciated too :))  
> In the process of creating this fic, I started like five more (set in the same 'universe'), so if there is interest I will continue posting oneshots here. 
> 
> Huuuuge thank you to: my wonderful, amazing beta reader [insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com), [autumn-in-phandom](https://autumn-in-phandom.tumblr.com/) for helping me find my way with this fic, [i-am-my-opheliac](http://i-am-my-opheliac.tumblr.com/) for brainstorming and encouraging me, [thelesterhowells](https://thelesterhowells.tumblr.com/) for the tips and believing in me, and everyone else for motivating me to keep writing :)


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